Switz boy wins like clockwork

So it’s the first Race weekend report, and the pressure is on to live up to the standards set by the professional writer and part time credit control from Anfield.

Rather than compete with the sharp and pithy prose of John Arnie Evans, I am going for stats and presentation, detailed explanations and encyclopaedic knowledge of the last 30 years of F1. You may also notice the odd typo, anyone pointing these out will be deduced points from the game, I can get it out on time, or I can get it out right, and given my flaming colleague is going for the right approach, I am going for the on time approach.

New season, new rules, new cars, some new drivers, and a new team.

New Team

I am sure we all remember the plucky little team from Ireland, Jordan, the team that gave Michael Schumacher his debut (@ Spa in a race where he overtook Aryton Senna). I have visited the factory at Silverstone 3 times, and it will make for a great season if we can again hear little Fissie being ‘Very. Very appy!’. So back to Jordan, I mean Midland, I mean Spiker, I mean Force India, a team running under its 4th name and owner in 4 years. Is this one of the first signs of the rise of the Sub Continent, spending all the money it is making from running those call centres on high octane entertainment. I was surprise not to see MS Dhoni and Andrew Symonds as the two drivers following the auction of a few weeks ago.

Unpublished News of the Weekend.

Ferrari star Kimi ‘Smiler’ Raikkonen, failed to make it to the Qualie 2 because of a fuel feed problem, what has not been made public is it was not car fuel that was missing, it was a fault in the vodka optic that lead to the Ffffly Finn stopping in the pit land. Few people are aware that if Ferrari were able to remove the weight from 10 litres of the clear stuff from Raikkonen’s car it would be 1 second a lap quicker!

Qualifier of the Weekend.

You always have to beat your team mate first, as Martin and James always say, and we had some big gaps, Alonso out qualified Nelson Piquet Jr by 10 places, Massa out qualified Kimi by 11 places and Vettel beat Bourdais by 8. So would wins the first QoW prize, I give it to Vettel, Massa was helped by faulty Smirnoff, Alonso beat NPjr, but it is his first race, and anyone who saw his sun glasses would know he still has a lot to learn. So I give it to Seb, if only because he showed again that winning in America and being French count for nothing, nothing I tell you………

New Rules

New electronic controller – All teams have to use the same electronics controller to reduce costs, that sounds ok, but who makes this controller? Yes, in a sport that is trying to project a clean image, it choice to award the contract to McLaren. Ron’s boys ‘won’ on open tender, can you imagine the up roar if this unit fails in the final race in a Ferrari and it effects the championship, yet again a great decision by that stuffed shirt that is Max Mossley. I say bring back the despot Jean-Marie Balestre, and the days of Marlboro, Camel, JPS etc.

Spare Car – Watch out for the following adverts for members to join F1 pits crews. Wanted Pit Crew member, must have excellent lego or mecarno skills. Ability to work late at night an advantage. In another attempt to reduce costs team are no longer allowed a spare car, you can have all of the parts except the chassis, but in a challenge Anika stylely approach you must rebuild before the race.

Qualifying – different lengths, no fuel burn in Q3.

Traction Control – Removed

Launch Control - Removed

Gearboxes – Must last 4 races, and come with a grid penalty if changes (unless you can prove it was damaged for a non mechanical reason)

The Joker – Yes in an attempt to turn F1 into ‘it a knockout’ you can now play your change an engine joker. You get 1 engine change free per car. Watch out for the proposed changes for 2009 which include Stuart Hall commentating on the pit to car radio, drivers starting in their garages with giant shoes having to run the first lap to get to their cars, and a surprise new ‘Royal Family’ team with HRH as the team principle, William and Harry driving and Zara Phillips as the pit board totti.

I am sure there are more, but I am losing the will to live.

The Race

So only 6 cars finish the race, that is a dry race, on a track that everyone is used to, could it be that the play station generation can’t drive without the drivers toys? The boy from Switzerland lead from lights to flag, in a race where we saw the Ferrari of old, where self destruction played a major part in deciding the final results. Was this an exciting race, 3 safety cars, only 7 cars finishing (if you count the disqualified Rubino, I for one am not sure, if this is a sign of things to come, more teams in the points, a variety of winners then maybe, but the was still no real overtaking, so lets wait and see what happens at Malaysia.

1st Lewis ‘I don’t pay tax’ Hamilton
2nd Nick ‘My BMW does not have indicators’ Heidfeld
3rd Nico ‘Why am I Germany when daddy was Finnish’ Rosberg
4th Can you hear the drums Fernando?
5th The sober Fin
6th Baby Nakajima
7th The French American
8th The Finnish drunk

Quote of the Race

Lousie: So David how did you see that accident?
David: How do you think, I admitted my mistake last year, so I expect Felipe to do the same, if he doesn’t I’ll kick 3 colours of shit out of the little bastard!

(The saying is seven shades of David, never mind)

Baggy Green and Gold

Could it be that the hours of modelling, excel and pre-season reading + an understanding of how this game awards points will pay off? So whilst home boy Webber went out on the first lap, Nakajima and Bourdais made up 7 and 10 places respectively, and the drunken Fin, help Ferrari score 10. The Aussie Goddess leads the field as they leave her home country.

Driven to Distraction

So 30 years of knowledge and the ability to name every world champion since 1980 means nothing when it comes to Fantasy F1. Only the drunken Fin scored any points. Last after race one………. Oh dear

The Phonenicii

Heidfeld 2nd and Truli scored some driver points, and Macca scored 10 for its engine. 4th Place after race one, slow and steady wins the race??????........

Storm in a Tea Cup

Heidfeld 2nd and DC scored driver points to leave the Tea Cups just 4 points behind her husband.

BloodNoir

An ok start for team black blood, Switz boy won from go to woe, but only scored 88 points, less than the drunken Fin, Sato and ‘Can you hear the drums’ for Renault gave a respectable team score and 2nd place for the weekend.

Mums the Best Formula

The ‘Grand Dame’ of the field, most experienced F1 watcher, and the old one to remember the days when Bernie ran a team, not the whole shooting match has a respectable start. A strong 3rd for Nico and some lap points for Rubic’s 'a' Cube gives a respectable 3rd on her Fantasy debut, does this give some pointers for FFL next season?

The Next Race

Will the Baggy Aussie keep it up?
Will Distraction go for the full 3 transfers?
Will the Flaming Boy keep ahead of his wife?
Will the Tea cups create a stir?
Can Black Blood rely on just Lewis?
Does Mum really know what she is doing?

Don’t forget you can make transfers up to Friday afternoon.